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Giant – a ‘measurement’ of size, and indicating to how big something is compared to something else.

 

WARNING: This is a small rant about Fatshaming, and things that I’ve been through due to it – mentioning my Bulimic years and what happened as a result.

 

I’m what people call Giant. Not in height, but more in width. And it’s something that sort of bothers me but at the same time doesn’t.

I’m fat, not because I over eat, but more because of medical issues, some which I’ve had since I was around three or four years old, some which came around when I was seven, and those that later came around the time when I was eleven to thirteen years old.

So, yes, I’m fat. And because of such I have added medical issues to once that I already had.

Like the fact that my hips dislocate and I have lower back pain. However, I’ve been having upper back pain, hip problems, knee problems, and ankle problems for a longer period of time than I have been so big.

Remarkably, my health hasn’t really changed much because of being so fat. I can run a hundred meters faster than people who are of a ‘healthy weight’. I can still get in and out of the bath, which is hilarious because a very petite friend of mine can’t seem to find a way in and out of the bath without falling… It amuses me. I don’t get out of breath as easily as most people my size do, this is probably because of the amount of exercise I do. However, I do have panic attacks when around a mass of people so walking around college, I seem out of breath… mainly because I hold my breath during panic attacks – I don’t know why I do it, I know it’s bad, but I do a thing, that I’ve been recently told is called grounding, which makes me focus and calm but by focusing on it I forget to breath… I have problems, okay?! XD

Being so big, people often make snide comments, this isn’t just random people, if anything it’s been mostly people in my family and people I have to work with in college. As if I didn’t feel self conscious enough!

In 2010, I began doing something that I really shouldn’t have.

It wasn’t anything illegal, and I have spoken about this on LLLRanting before.

Basically, because of the amount of bullying I was going through, in school, at home, and at the doctors, I started binge eating and then vomitting it back up…

And for those who don’t know what this means, it means I became Bulimic.

I went through it, without people really noticing, for around four years. It would have continued if it hadn’t of strained my body to a point where I was puking blood, having bowel  problems (yeah, I know, pretty gross), having an irratated stomach lining, stomach ulsers, and having internal bleeding. Yeah, I fucked my body up hella bad… All because people decided to call me:

  • Giant

  • Huge

  • Fat Bitch

  • Fat Bastard

  • Lazy Cow

  • Beached Whale

And to make it worse, it wasn’t just names:

  • It’s not like you exercise!

  • How about eating a salad?

  • Try starving yourself, I heard that works.

I think the worst thing about it all was I let them hurt me. Now, I tend to shrug mean comments off or actually defend myself.

The annoying thing is, is that my family still ask ‘why don’t you exercise?’ – the answer to that question is, I do! I work out in our spare bedroom for 30 minutes at least each day! I tend to do is as soon as I get out of bed on a morning, or as soon as I get home from where ever. The ‘How about eating a salad?’ – I do! I generally have four or five salads a week, and I almost always have my 5 a day. I tend to avoid fatty foods, I also tend to avoid eating a lot of carbs such as bread, potatos, tortillas, and pasta.

What also gets really annoying is when people ask what my favourite food is! As if I’m going to say something along the lines of Pizza or Burgers.

And it’s not. I must admit, I do like Pizza, I also like Jalapeno Burgers (a beef burger topped with cheese and Jalapenos) but my favourite food is all homemade.

I LOVE my Mum’s Shepherd’s Pie – we have to make it with Beef instead of Lamb due to the cost, but it’s a Shepherd’s Pie because of all the veggies in it! Honestly, you could get more than your 5 a day from a single portion of her Shepherd’s Pie! Why? Well, it has Garden Peas, Tomatos, Onions, Spring Onions, Bell Peppers, Carrots, and Mushroom.

And then, I also LOVE(!!!!) Bolognese, this is my own recipe and I love it so much! Why? Because like my Mum’s Shepherd’s Pie, my Bolognese recipe has a lot of veggies and fruits! In my Bolognese it has Mushroom, Sweetcorn, Tomatoes, Garden Peas, Spring Onions, Red Onions, Bell Peppers, Sweet Chili, Lime, and Carrots. And this is just what I generally put in it! I could put more in there, depending on whether I have the funds to do so! But gosh, I love it. I put it on a small bowl of Shell Pasta – this being because my parents dislike spaghetti.

So, when people ask me the question of “What’s your favourite food?” Saying ‘Low Calorie, Low Fat, Homemade Bolognese’ generally makes people laugh and accuse me of lying…

But no, I just enjoy nice, tasty, HEALTHY food.

Because honestly, with my horribly low metabolism, eating something extremely healthy still makes me feel guilty because of people. So, for me, eating a Salad makes me feel as if I’ve eaten 9 cheese burgers, just because I’ve eaten! Not because of the dressing, or the chicken chunks!

I feel guilty just by eating! Which causes it to be difficult for me to eat in front of people, which is a result of my Bulimia – I still get urges to vomit after eating. Thankfully, I haven’t done so for almost six months now, after two years of stopping my want to be Bulimic.

I suppose it’s difficult. And I don’t really know what else to say.

I enjoy being healthy but it makes me feel like shit because of the lack of losing weight… I’ve barely lost anything since my drastic weight gain since I stopped my Bulimia in 2014.

If I could change one thing about my life, it wouldn’t be about how I’ve handled my weight over the past two years. I think, if I could change anything, I would go back and stop myself from starting the vicious cycle that is Bulimia. And the reason for that is, because it caused me so many problems afterwards and it’s still causing me problems even though I’m not doing it anymore. It was addictive, losing weight and getting compliments, and I suppose that’s why people continue starving themselves when going through Anorexia, in the same way I vomitted food up in my Bulimia.

I wish I could stop being ill… My interal problems majoritively being the problem of what I did to my body.

I shouldn’t have done it. I regret it. But back then, it seemed like my only option because of what people were doing to me.

I wanted to be pretty.

I wanted to be loved.

And I never was.

Now, I have my partner, who loves me and he’s been with me since he helped me stop being Bulimic. He’s helped me through my depression, my PTSD, my Anxiety, and the aftermath of my Bulimia.

I feel loved now, because of him. And I can honestly say, he was the only one who helped.

But that doesn’t mean it will be the same for other people out there.

I’m here, LLLRanting is here, and we’re here to help anyone who wants it! We will love you as if you’re family, because that’s exactly what we are! We love you all, so much.

If any of you need us, we’ll ALWAYS be here for you!

I’m here for you, so you don’t have to go through it alone like I did ♥

Take care everyone,

Love,

Cas ♥

via Daily Prompt: Giant

 

 

P.S: I will be posting a Halloween special later in the day.