A year ago, Daniel Kyre passed away.

His life support was turned off on September 18th 2015 after being on said life support for two days due to his failed attempt of suicide.

It was an event which changed my thinking a lot and made me cry for weeks, and thinking about him and listening to some of the music made in his honor has continued to make me cry in the year after his death.

It impacted me for many reasons. One reason being the fact that my last suicide attempt was also on September 16th, but of the previous year (2014). Another reason, because I always want to help people. No matter what, I will help all I can, and I continue to do so even if it means I lose out on sleep, food or even education time because I want and feel the need to help as many people as I can.

I don’t quite know why I try and help people, I still question it on a daily basis due to the lack of appreciation I get throughout my days when I’ve helped people on numerous occasions.

On many occasions, usually in class or college in general, people will ask for help or need help – I will then help them – only for them to then tell me:

  1. You’re too nice
  2. You didn’t have to
  3. I can do it on my own
  4. You don’t need to help me
  5. Leave me alone

And this  ^^^ is what I have to go through.

But, I still do it. I still help even when people decide to be arses about it, because its who I am and what I want to do.

I enjoy helping people.

I need to help people – it gives me a small amount of reassurance that I should be allowed to be alive because I have some form of purpose.

And I’m okay with people being rude to me – most people are rude when receiving help due to pride. It’s why some people will refuse to ask directions when they’re lost, and why some people end up hurting themselves because they didn’t want someone to help them to carry a heavy box.

 

I suppose, in a way, I’m struggling with the same issues.

I care for ,and cook for, my parents and when people have offered me help I always turned it down.

On many occasions, I’ve been offered a restbite for a weekend away with a friend or a group of young carers, or free tutoring for certain subjects that I struggle with due to my Dyslexia and I never took it. I didn’t take them purely out of reasons of Pride.

I took them because I didn’t think I needed it, after doing this sort of thing for so long it sort of becomes a second form of breathing.

And now, with all my own issues crushing down upon me – the realization of certain things are coming to life.

My Anxiety is getting worse but no one is helping but my counsellor – even my parents, who try to understand, will never fully understand due to myself not being able to open up and their lack of experience of suffering Anxiety.

My Insomnia and PTSD making it impossible for me to sleep without my laptop turned on so I can talk to my partner. Trust me, I tried. Last night the internet went down, I fell asleep with the reassurance of Jordan being there, only for me to wake up an hour and a half later to find the internet down… I went back to sleep and ended up waking up every 15-30 minutes thanks to night terrors, not all normal ones either –  due to worrying about college, I ended up dreaming about Oil Paints at one point, and I painted a Giraffe – not making a painting of a Giraffe but painting an actual Giraffe… My brain enjoys making things super weird and making them terrifying when they’re happening only for them to be really stupid when I wake up.

And then, there’s my Depression…

Sweet, sweet depression – how I hate the big, black dog which shadows me in everything I do.

I honestly can’t do anything without second guessing myself now. I started Life Drawing at college last week and, let’s just say – it went horribly. It started off well, and by the end of the session, seeing everyone elses work, I sort of wanted to quit the course seeing how completely shit my work is compared to everyone elses.

So, what have I learnt?

That even when someone doesn’t ask for my help, or necessarily want my help – it’s still a better option to help them, whether its just holding the door open, passing them an eraser, making them laugh to help them through a crying session, or maybe just giving them en example of your work to help them expand on theirs.

 

I will always help someone if I can.

Right now, I must admit, I can’t do much, which is upsetting for me but if I can help, I will.

 

Anyways, that’s my little update on what happened, or what happens, when I think of Daniel.

 

I hope you all had or have a great day, where ever you are. And remember to help people, because it is extremely rewarding, even if you don’t get a Thank you.

 

Goodnight everyone, sweet dreams.

Castiel ♥