Hello Everyone and Happy Monday.
For me today is pretty crappy! Besides the happiness that I had one Thursday, Friday and Saturday it was met with depression yesterday due to arguments and stupidity that just makes me feel useless.
And I know, it’s weird to say that my parents arguing makes my depression come back but it does and heres why.
I attempted to commit suicide last year and I was stopped by the only person in this god forsaken world that actually loves me. I was attempting suicide because my father didn’t understand why I was depressed, before my grandparents died.
Simple, because I had no one who gave a fuck about me. My parents shouted at me and told me that my brother was amazing which basically lead me to believe that they favoured my sibling over me and that they didn’t like me as much.
So, why was I so depressed before my parents actually took the time to realise? Maybe because I was being beaten up at school? Because called fat and ugly. Maybe because I was getting the same treatment, that I got at school, at home by my brother? Maybe because my father was constantly making homophobic and racist jokes?
Or maybe it was because of the fact that even though I was surround by people that “Loved” me, including my parents and brother, I was actually more alone than anyone would have thought of.
I spoke to people who were imaginary as if they were real. I stared at my ceiling at night because I couldn’t sleep due to the heart ache. I cut my skin to have a different pain to focus on. I listened to loud music to stop myself from getting hurt more.
No matter how much someone told me they loved me, the words weren’t real until actions proved it. And they never, truly, proved it.
10 years of depression, 6 of them being in a stage where I was clinically depressed but to scared to tell anyone how I truly felt because I was never “old” enough to feel that way.
How can you justify how someone should feel at 7 years old? How can you tell someone that they’re not depressed when all the signs are there? How can you tell someone how they feel? You can’t feel how they feel unless you have super powers.
You cannot just tell someone to be happy and hope it to happen. If you want someone to be happy you need to do something to make them happy.
Actions speak louder than words.
Don’t tell someone you love them, show it.
From the age of 7 I suffered from depression and it gradually got worse as my friends began to die and my family began to hate me more.
I know when I’m not welcome and in that family I wasn’t and never would have been.
Why? Because I am not their first, I am not their pure, golden child.
Even though my parents don’t talk to my cousins and such all that much, even in their minds, they know I’m not theirs.
My mother had a daughter with her first husband who was taken on by my father. To them, she is their first daughter. My brother is their first son, so why was I needed? To fill a gap in their hearts due to the absence of my “sister”? To try and replace her?
People would say that I have “mummy issues” or “daddy issues” but truth is, I was never really their daughter. I was just a child that they attempted to use to heal themselves.
So, why did I attempt to commit suicide? Because I know, no matter how much I try to make them proud, I will always be second best compared to my sister. Not because they’re proud of her or because they think she’s perfect, but because she came first and I can’t fill her gap nor can I take her place.
Thats why I was depressed, because I knew I was a replacement. Like I was to everyone, I replaced a friend to some, lovers to others.
I was never someone who was cared about because I was me, I was cared about because I was useful at covering a gap, filling a place.
But I can’t, I can’t be someone else, I can’t be someone I’m not. I can only be myself.
Myself being a Lesbian, who is in a heterosexual relationship (I’m strange, to those who have read my work before you’ll understand this!), I’m a supporter of LGBT people, I am pagan (Not wiccan, they’re not the same thing.), I am obsessed with rabbits and I love panda’s and I love my partner. I’m fat, short, ugly, bright haired, I’m a “tom-boy”. I look manly, I can grow a rather soft beard and a little moustache if I wished to. I don’t do anything illegal, I don’t drink alcohol often, I eat a lot of salad, vegetables, fruit and meat but nothing all that unhealthy. I love Pepsi more than Coca Cola because Coca Cola has a weird taste to it but Pepsi tastes rather fruity! I enjoy video gaming and killing Zombies. I know how to shoot a winchester shotgun and how to take a M4 apart and put it back together. I’m good at aiming with a pistol and I’m good at archery. I listen to all genres of music. I like Demi Lovato, Uncle Kracker and Tonight Alive.
I cannot be someone I’m not and if that isn’t good enough for the people around me then why should I talk to them? Because I have to? Because I need to? Because I’m stupid enough to love them?
I love them even though they patronise me and bully me, they talk to me at points and sound as if they hate me.
I am stupid to love such ignorant and harsh people. But I can’t help it.
I attempted suicide because I loved people who would never love me for who I am.
I’m alive now because I found someone who loves me for being me.
I found someone to live for. And nobody is taking that away from me.
I’m sorry for such a downer for a “Happy” Monday post!
But I hope you enjoyed the insight into my life.
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Holly Gutierrez ❤ XOXOX