Well, honestly, I get through the day by being pushed along by Jordan(Panda) if it wasn’t for him I’d most likely be procrastinating, in bed, depressed and hallucinating…

And no, I have never taken drugs… Other than the ones I need to take to survive… Like Paracetamol and other legal drugs!

But for those who don’t fully understand some of the side effects of Depression, here are something’s I experienced when going through my depression which, unfortunately, came to light a week ago and ended up happening again a little…

A little background, I suffered with extreme depression for 10 years which lead to me self-harming, having an eating disorder and… damaging my body inside and out. And at a point, one of my Councillors attempted to tell my parents I was clinically depressed… Which would had lead to going to doctors and psychiatrists and I couldn’t do it… I refused to let her tell my parents because I didn’t want to be labelled a freak for the rest of my life like all mentally ill people are… “You’re depressed? So, your mind is crippled! You should get a body to match…”

Depression –

  • Procrastination – You procrastinate more, usually just sleep and stay in bed which eventually makes you feel worse… If you have ever had a full Sunday of sleeping, playing video games or eating… And then as soon as you go to bed that night you feel like you wasted the day due to not getting any of your coursework done that needed to be handed in the next morning… Yeah, imagine that 24/7! People moan about this feeling and having it once a week! I went through 8 years of feeling like this! Considering I was 7 when I started with my depression, and before you say “You don’t know what depression is! How can you be a child and feel like that?”

Well, it’s possible and I ended up being one of the people who went through it. I was 7, and this procrastinating, “I feel like a failure” feeling began when I started having to do harder homework for Math when I was 9, this was due to not being able to read, so my school made me mentally strong in one area so I could get into high school. So, I had to cope with that feeling until I left High School and until finally got to be with the love of my life…

  • Hallucinations – it happens to everyone at some point, whether you’re high on weed, LSD or so drunk you think you can fuck an ambulance… Hallucinations can be brought on when your mind is attempting to escape reality or when your mind just starts breaking down. This is shown in a video game that a few youtubers have recently played, JackSepticEye being the most recent that I have seen, the game is called “Neverending Nightmares” and the creator, Matt Gilgenbach, made this game to show his own personal struggle with Depression and OCD…
Neverending Nightmares (Game) – Self-Harm
Neverending Nightmare – Killing/injuring his sister.

I can happily say that, in a hallucination, I have not killed anyone, or killed myself or been attached by mental patients that have no eyes but have the taste for blood… But I have, unfortunately, had hallucinations in which I self harmed, hurt myself a lot more than needed and hurt other people. Although, I have also had the opposite of these situations. An example of this is that I was talking to a boy with a lion’s head, a girl with leopard head and another boy with a husky’s head in the library at my high school and I was acting perfectly normal until I realized that everyone in the room was looking at me and laughing…

I had forgot about this until a couple of weeks ago due to the fact that I am now doing Mental Illness as a topic in photography…

I don’t know why I was talking to myself, to a lion, leopard and a husky… It makes no-sense to me now that I look back on it, but I can remember it and I spoke to a friend of mine from high school who was in the room sat with his friends when I did this… And he confirmed that it happened due to him remembering it and he also confirmed that there was nobody on my table with me for me to talk to… And people judged me and thought I was mad, and they were right. I was. And I still am because I still suffer with depression and as I write this, I’m in the lowest point I’ve been in for a while… I miss Jordan even though it’s only been 4 hours since I last got to speak with him… Being like this just makes me miss him even more. The last time I was like this, I was in a call with Jordan on Skype and he went to help his dad with something, he was gone for 5 minutes, and I cried.

I’ll admit to it, it sounds pathetic, but I cried because he was gone and I couldn’t hear his voice or see his face.

Which leads me onto my next point…

  • Fixation – if you’re never been obsessed with something, like a TV show or a film or an object, then you won’t understand this point. Fixation is a common thing, it usually happens when you like something but when you’re depressed, you fixate and become obsessed with something, and in some cases you don’t even need to like it. You may know the book “The Yellow Wallpaper” by Charlotte Perkins Gilman, this short story is about a lady called Jane who suffers with depression and is prescribed the rest cure treatment, which is essentially grounding her for being depressed…

Which is why she fixated on the yellow wallpaper. But not only does she become obsessed with the yellow wallpaper, which she hates, she begins to have hallucinations of the woman within the yellow wallpaper. This is practically a metaphor for this isolated incident not being the only one in the world due to more and more women at the time being made to suffer with the rest cure treatment which actually just wasted away the brain.

I had a fixation with self-harming for 3 years after having a fixation with gaming in which I had again after I finally stopped myself from self-harm. And now, my fixation is Jordan, because I love him and he loves me and I know I can talk to him about anything!

And that’s my experience with depression. And I’m going to say this – Depression is, yes, just an emotion but depression comes with other things and consequences, so to speak. And if you know someone who is suffering with depression… Try and help them, send them to me, tell someone who will help them, don’t just let them float in the void because when you suffer with depression, it’s like drowning; you only feel one emotion and its depressed, there are no other real emotions there. And from experience, if I had a friend who had helped me, I wouldn’t be as messed up, ill and scarred as I am today…