Hello Everyone and Happy Wednesday!
Its half way through the week and honestly, I just feel dead. People ask why Im still depressed even though I have a boyfriend and in all honesty… I’m depressed because I was never depressed due to not having a boyfriend. In high school I was beaten, shouted at and verbally abused by numerous people, including a boyfriend, a girlfriend, pretty much my entire year group and then the people I thought were “friends”.
Things like that are the things that make a girl depressed, not the lack of pure affection but the lack of unconditional affection and care.
What do I mean? Well, at home my parents favoured my bratty, satanic and abusive brother while they ditched on me.
My brother only abused me for fun and showed no compassion toward his little sister…
At school my friends showed no compassion unless I was in hospital… If I was in hospital they’d make everything about themselves,
“Rocky’s in hospital? Well, I dislocated my shoulder.”
“Rocky has internal bleeding? I have a bad back and a head ache.”
They didnt really care, they just wanted my sympathy even when it was myself who was in the real pain…
And then back to the fact that I have the most amazing, supportive, loving and caring man in my life… He helps me with everything, he helps me cope and even after all of that and I have my stupid medicated injection which causes mood swings for the first two or three days after it… Nobdoy get more of my verbal abuse than him… And I hate myself for it… I’d rather go back to being in hospital every month than hurting him…
But after talking with him about it he tells me to stay on it and that hr can handle the snaps and bitching…
But what if, one day, he can’t take it anymore?
He may ask to take me off the injection, I’d do it gladly.
He may ask for some space, I’d give it to him even if it killed me.
He may leave, I wouldnt blame him.
I’d leave myself too. And before you say its impossible, it’s not.
It’s called Death.
But he’s assured me he wouldn’t, I don’t understand how he would want to stay with me… But I’m happy he does, I love him. He’s my light in the dark. He’s my lighthouse.
He’s my home.
If you enjoyed this rather morbid post, sorry about that, like, comment and share to show the weird, random and mad insights to others!
Thanks for reading, enjoy your day!
Rocky ❤ xoxox